I met up with an old friend for coffee who I haven't seen since High School. She began by telling me she's in a much better place compared to 12 months ago. The last 12 months have been about HER. She has been traveling around the world, taking up new hobbies and writing about her experiences. I wasn't surprised when she told me that she was inspired to do so after she ended a serious relationship. I personally know many girls who went through similar transformations. She was a serial relationship girl. However, I was surprised about her journey since High School. My impression of her in grade nine was a strong and determined girl who had a good head on her shoulders. I guess things changed after her first relationship (at the age of 15) with a guy that treated her like crap. They were together for about 3 years until she grew the courage to move away for university (I think this was the only way she knew how to get away from him). But it didn't stop there. Shortly after Frosh week, she found herself in another soon-to-be-disastrous relationship. After her 4th long term relationship she decided it was time to focus on HER.
This got me thinking....
As a first generation Indo-Canadian woman the rules of dating were never explained to me. I never questioned why, because the answer was quite obvious. I'm talking about almost thirty years ago when dating was not openly practiced in India. The concept of dating was quite western to my parents. To them, Indian people didn't date unless they were looking for marriage. So expecting my parents to explain this whole concept while I was in Grade 9 was out of the question! It was a catch 22 situation for my parents, but I don't think they were aware of it at the time. Discussing it in high school meant accepting western traditions and having to acknowledge their 15 year old daughter dating. Not discussing it meant preserving their Indian traditions and sheltering their daughter from heart aches, sex, and of course "dishonoring" the family name. Like most South Asian parents, they took the second approach. Dating for 15-18 year old Indians was definitely out of the question! In fact, I once asked my mom what age she felt was appropriate for me to date. She responded, "after you're married". (exactly, What!?) Well, I suppose after marriage it would become my husband's problem? (lame joke, I know).
But clearly, for me it was not. Everyone around me including my Indian friends were doing it. It was on TV, my best friend had a boyfriend and Bollywood made movies on it! So who did I turn to? My Friends! I talked about it with other Indian kids who were my age and had similar parents (pretty much the case for most Indian kids). Collectively our 15 year old brains came up with the concept of dating without telling our parents! (There was something Bollywood about hiding it from your parents) Mind you, dating in high school really just meant having a boyfriend who you: hung out with during spares, ate lunch with, skipped class with (to go to the mall or visit another school), held hands with, did homework with and of course picked classes with. You thought you were "cool" if your boyfriend/girlfriend was older or from another school. It wasn't called dating for much long either, it turned into "checking" or "dealing" by the time I was 16. Consequently, my understanding of dating and having relationships came from useless sources like Seventeen Megazine, Movies (damn you Bollywood!) and Friends. Where were my parents? Well, mine were under the impression that they successfully warded off the topic of dating!
The thing is, now that I think about it I completely agree with my parents on being "too young to date at the age of 15/16". But it was never explained to me why maturity was a requirement. No one talked to me about it. No one talked about the importance of "knowing yourself" and "establishing yourself". I wasn't one of the lucky ones that had an older sibling or cousin around to tell me either. This is why I was vulnerable. This is why many women from my time were vulnerable to disappointments. Boys and Girls got away with keeping relationships a secret. Which also meant, if you were doing or had been done wrong (i.e. abuse, cheating, assault etc.) no one was there to help. No one was there to guide you but your friends who didn't know any more then you did.
When you don't have a sense of direction it's very easy for you to get lost. It's like taking your G without attempting your G1 and learning about the signs, traffic lights and penalties. It wasn't entirely my parents fault either, how could they teach you about something they never knew existed? I didn't tell them and I didn't bring it up either.
This coffee date made me realize why many women (and men too), my age have recently discovered themselves. There are so many people I know that turned to ME time after feeling overspent in relationships. In most cases, you were really just dating your first boy/girlfriend over and over again. Relationships are expensive, and like all expensive purchases you can't afford it unless you save up. Saving up means researching, knowing how much it's worth, what it's going to cost you, and having a back up plan (failing to have a back up plan explains why I always felt it was the end of the world when things ended!). If you don't know your self, you're always going to look for it in other people. If you don't know your self, you end up over spending by investing in something you don't have a budget for.
You think you know yourself at 16 very well until you're 25 and have that conversation with yourself again. I know that, I for one, will be sure to confront dating and share my experiences with my kids.
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